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  • Writer's pictureJane Rubin

I Sleep like a Dog

Updated: Mar 8, 2023

Recently, it has dawned on me that I sleep like a dog. The last few years, I imagined with my deep sleeping at night and more than occasional afternoon nap, I slept more like a baby. But the evidence is mounting. I don’t sleep like a darling, blissful baby. I sleep like a noisy, smelly dog.

The first clue came with the midnight nudge from my husband to stop breathing so heavily. He was afraid to call it snoring, because he knew I would take great offense, argue and then protest anything resembling a C-Pap machine. I have caught myself in mid-snore a couple of times and I do think it is more like heavy, deep breathing than a train rumbling down the tracks. I mean, I have heard house-rattling snoring in my day, and it is nothing like that! If I roll on my side, it mostly goes away.....

The second clue came from my right hand. Some days when I wake up, my right wrist really hurts. For the longest time, I couldn’t figure it out! My trainer (remember Alex?) thought I was trying to cheat on the arm killing exercise - “Alex, I know that's what you were thinking...!” But, it did really hurt. So much so, that the other day in the city, I asked my husband to stop at Walgreens on the way to a show (by the way, Network with Brian Cranston and Tony Goldwyn was incredible!) to buy a brace for my hand because it was throbbing like the dickens!

That night, I woke up with my hand hurting again only to notice that it was bent under my head - just like a big, sloppy dog! So, as I work on correcting that disgusting habit, my hand is beginning to heal. Thank goodness for that. And since I’ve been getting clobbered with my drug copays - Part D is no picnic for the chronically ill, I was hoping not to need another doctor in my cast of medical miracle workers!

The finale, is the smell. I am on a new drug that I seem to secrete. During the day, the smell is pretty much diluted by fresh air and deodorant, but under the heavy winter covers, I reek. I am totally grossed out and if it weren’t for my husband's crappy sinuses that prevent him from smelling much, I would have been thrown out of bed a month ago. Dog, right?!

I think the best solution is a dog disguise - to get one and just blame it all on him. Isn’t that what other people do? They try to look charming and civilized next to their ‘let it all hang out’ pet - letting the dog do all the front work? After 40 some odd years without a dog for a disguise, errr I mean pet, I think I may give it a whirl.

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